Clowned
by TheLostMaximoff
Summary: Beast Boy's thoughts on Terra's betrayal.


Clowned

By TheLostMaximoff

Disclaimer: I really don't own these characters and this little no-indention-on-paragraphs thing really sucks. R/R if you love BB, Terra, and their screwed up relationship.

(Author's Note): If you were expecting this to end up being a Rae/BB fic then . . . . . . . . . you just got punked. Sorry but I'm probably never going to write that couple.

Her room looks really pretty. I lie on her bed and stare at the plastic stars we stuck on her ceiling. Who knew those things could look so real, huh? Yeah, who knew? I roll over and trace the outline of the heart-shaped jewelry box lying next to me. I made it for her. It's my heart and I gave it to her. I didn't have to but I did all the same. I guess I should've known better. She ran out on us once, it's natural that she'd do it again. I never thought she'd do something like this though. I never thought she'd hurt us this badly, hurt me this badly.

I'm a clown. I know it and so does the rest of the team. I'm always trying to make everyone laugh, always firing off some stupid joke. It's my job, you know? Being funny's what I'm good at but it's not the easiest job in the world. Look at me and watch me do a little song and dance for your entertainment. Need to smile? Don't worry, I've got a million jokes. Me? Oh no, don't worry about me. Don't worry about what could happen if I'm the one who needs to smile. No, just let the little clown perform and don't worry that maybe inside he's as sad as anyone else. How does that old saying go? Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone. I guess I finally understand that saying now.

What was I to her? Was I just some little yo-yo she could string along? That's what it feels like now. I want to believe it was something more but I guess in the end it was simply nothing. I thought I knew this girl but I don't know anything at all about her and the fact is I'm not even sure I want to anymore.

I gave this girl my heart. She was different than most girls. I saw something in her, something that nobody else seemed to notice. I saw how badly she wanted to belong somewhere. Everybody deserves a home. I thought I'd never get to have one but the Titans gave me a home. I just thought maybe I could give her that too. She seemed to want it more than anything else in the world. Then again what seems real isn't with her. That really hurts. It hurts to know that the girl I love is simply an act. But was it really an act, all of it? She tried to tell me that it was real but I can't trust her anymore.

Trust. That's what this whole thing has been about. She trusted me with a secret when she came here the first time and I kept my promise. She didn't trust me though. She didn't trust me enough to believe what I said. Then here she comes waltzing back and expects all of us to trust her. Why should we? If she couldn't trust me then why should I trust her? I guess I just wanted someone to love. I guess I wanted it so bad I didn't think straight.

The anger boils inside me now. I know a good prank when I see one this one takes the cake. I wonder whose job it is to make the clown laugh. Sure he can cheer everyone else up but who can make him smile? Yes, it was a good prank she played on us all, worthy of the master's respect. I give her a little salute but it's hollow. Good one, Terra. I hope you're very proud of yourself. I hope you and Slade are having a lot of laughs at our expense. I guess this is what you really wanted all along. Good to see you finally got it.

I wish she was here. I wish she could see just how badly I've been hurt by all this. Maybe then I'd get the last laugh but I probably wouldn't. She's probably not sorry for what she did and it makes me hate her all the more. She'd have some reason for it, some way of justifying what she did. Reasons are just fancy forms of excuses. The facts are facts. She betrayed us all and expected me to forget it and still be her friend. No, I won't allow that. She may mean the world to me but the Titans are my world. I won't condone what she did, letting enemies into our home. She wanted us to really be friends? Then she should've acted like it. She should've stopped feeling so sorry for herself. But no she decided to try and have her cake and eat it too. I hope she's proud of herself. I hope she gets a freakin' gold star and a pat on the back from Slade for her good work. Way to go Terra. Good job of screwing yourself over and throwing away everything you claimed you wanted. That must take a lot of guts, huh?

You know what pisses me off the most about this whole thing? She's still the victim. Even after what she did I don't hate her because I can't believe it was her fault. Where does the buck stop though? You can't pass the blame on this one unfortunately. She made the choice. She's responsible for what she does no matter what it is.

This whole situation's pretty funny I guess. Yeah, it's such a great joke. Making me fall in love with her was the best prank ever. I really got played this time. If it had been anybody but me on the receiving end I would've thought it was priceless but I guess a joke's not funny sometimes. I'm certainly not laughing at this one. No, I'm too busy dying inside to crack a smile this time. No little clever comebacks, just tears. I stare at the jewelry box again. I wanna throw it across the room but it's too pretty to destroy. I sigh as I realize I'll never be able to forgive her but at the same time I can't think about punishing her for this. I guess I really am an idiot. They say there's a sucker born every minute. Maybe soon it'll be someone else's time and the whole world will stop laughing at me.


End file.
